smuttery

I can only tolerate so much buzz before I must read the book.  Even if the buzz is erotic buzz.

You know where this is going.

I read Fifty Shades of Grey and it’s subsequent cohorts.  It’s the Twilight fan fiction that, instead of being all eye-rollingly chaste, is eye-rollingly porny!

The dynamic between Christian and Anastasia is uncannily Edward and Bella-like, except that instead of wanting to murderfy her, Christian wants to hog-tie virginal Ana up and beat her senseless with whackers and then do the sexing.  He’s bossy, unreasonably wealthy, super hot (no sparkle, though), and into BDSM.  Gasp.

I couldn’t stop reading it, in spite of the absolutely awfulness of the writing.  No shocker there.  I’ve gotten totally hooked on crap before, including the actual Twilight series.

A huge part of the suspense was waiting to find out just exactly what sort of kinky business Christian is into.
And will Ana consent to it?
And will she like it?

And I’ma tell you now, so stop reading if you don’t want it spoiled for you:

-Not that kinky.
-Yes, she goes for it.
-Yes, she likes everything.

So once it’s clear that yes, Ana is a secret horndog, there are new plot elements, like bad guys out to get her and miscommunications resulting in pending break-up, to keep the story line going.  Always peppered with graphic sex scenes throughout.

It was all just so unrealistic, it pissed me off.  The over the top, adolescent, vomitrocious, can’t-live-without-you love.  From two people who have never actually experienced romantic love before.  How everything just works out so nice and perfect in every way, getting everything they want.  And you can now add to that list:  being constantly and instantly in the mood for business and ALWAYS having simultaneous happy endings, every time, multiple times a day.

Scoff.