another day

It seems like I can’t write about anything else, until I finish (or even just start) writing about this.

This, this thing that happened, or didn’t happen. Months ago. On Mother’s Day, at 12 weeks pregnant, I miscarried a baby that would have been due today.

It seems like a long time ago now. I remember crying a lot. After a few weeks, I could talk to people and tell them about what happened, without tears. I don’t think about it every day. Although, the constant stream of new babies and pregnant bellies around me have been a regular reminder. I can’t look at Facebook without feeling sad and angry and jealous and guilty for feeling sad and angry and jealous.
Most of the time, it doesn’t hurt any more. I don’t always remember. This month has been a bit tougher. What might have been feels very sharp, right now. Today.

The David didn’t remember about today, about the due date, and I don’t think he’s sad for the lost baby anymore. But he does feel sad, in a more general way, when he considers the possibility that we may end up not being parents at all. It is a strange pill to swallow—imagining what a whole life looks like without a family.

It seems like a real possibility, at 37-years-old, but not a certainty. The not-knowing is hard.

I’d like to think that tomorrow, I’ll have crossed a line in the sand. I lived through the due date. A switch will be flipped and it just won’t be sad. But I’m afraid that it will continue to be unless there’s a new baby. Which makes the not-knowing even scarier.

I hope we get through it, whatever it is. Seems like we probably will. The days keep passing. And while it doesn’t heal all wounds, time does take the edge off.

 

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “another day

  1. katie

    sending you love. i’m happy that you shared, and hoping time does take the edge off of your pain.

  2. Joe

    Marco Ament thinks that miscarriages are not discussed publicly enough, and therefore just making such a blog post is an important thing. http://www.marco.org/2014/11/21/lost

  3. I’m so sorry Maggie! I’m so glad you shared, it’s really nice to hear snippets about you and The David, even if they are sad ones. I’m sending you posi vibez and hope you can find your peace with this soon. Hugs from Chicago!

  4. Hey you. I am sorry to read this, and I hope you have healed as much as is possible. So sorry. I miscarried earlier in the term than you did and felt very alone in that pain, but it went away, even before I was able to have another child. It was a delight to see you the other night, and I will check back here now and again, didn’t know you were still writing here from time to time. And about the weight (from an earlier post), I pay that WW fee every month as well and nothing has gotten easier and I have no answers, but if I ever figure it out I’ll let you know. Sounds like exercise is the thing. Too bad I haven’t done that in about a decade! xoxo

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