It’s a bit of a less good day today. But I did take a photograph for the first time in a long time. Appropriately, I think this photograph feels like today should feel.
I pass this little Japanese maple on my street on the way to work every day. Lately, in the incessant rain, the tree has been dotted with a thousand little droplets of rain that catch the 7 am light in this gorgeous pearly way. I wanted to capture that – all the little drops together – but this is what came out instead.
I got another job rejection today. It wasn’t a big deal or anything I was especially invested in. But it seemed like a really good possibility. And I couldn’t help thinking that this could be the one. This could make it all better. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up; it’s too hard to be crushed over and over. I just can’t help it. I want the bad part to be over so, so badly.
Suffice it to say, I didn’t really like getting that news. Especially since it came after I had only had the screening phone call with the HR lady that I thought had gone pretty well. A phone call that my friend Laura agreed with me was an easy experience was was only in place to confirm that “you have a pulse.”
So there’s that. And it’s Wednesday and it feels like there are still years to go before I don’t have to sit here and wait for someone who needs me to tell them that the thing they’re looking? That thing they can’t find any mention of on our website? Yeah. It’s not there cause we don’t do it. But let me know if I can answer any other questions at all. Happy to help. Byeeeee.
This bit of a post from Chicken & Cheese just flew out from my computer screen and bit me. Right on the nose.
But you know what? I’m going to channel my inner Stuart Smalley and tell you that yes,
goddamnit, I am good enough. I have stories inside me — otherwise why would you keep
That lady’s validation for being good enough, for having stories is that people go to her blog and they read it. People like me.
But nobody comes to my blog. Not even my actual real life friends, let alone imaginary internet ether friends. Which means that I’m not good enough. My stories aren’t that interesting. Or that my writing is kind of crap. Or maybe that I don’t sit down to craft a small parable of charm and sage insight. Rather, I ramble away to the tune of loon and leave it at that.
As I struggle to figure out who I’m supposed to be and where I’m supposed to go… take away the “supposed to” even. So not “what am I supposed to be doing?” I can’t even answer “what do I want to do?” Part of that, certainly, is to do with the belief that I’m not good enough. I can’t be a writer. I’m not good enough. Or, I can’t be a writer. I’m too lazy. Coincidentally, that’s also why I couldn’t be a jewelry maker or a photographer or a baker.
I try to take deep calming breaths and accept that some people are ordinary. Not everyone can have an amazing career. Lazy people, in particular, are not likely to be exceptional. But I am still harboring hopes that a magic drop of miracle juice will fall on me, so that I can be amazing, too.
MH Jeeves - Grumpy Love
I feel a bit like this… can’t focus on the wonderful thing I have around me, because I’m surrounding myself with a field of grump. So thankful for my wonderful David, and sorry that I can’t get myself to snap out of the funk. I do know that it’s there, though… I can see those floating hearts all around.