My brother’s trip to New Jersey continues to generate much conversation at me. I have been getting non-stop chirps from my mother about the baby and how cute he is, and how great Joe is being, and how wonderful it is to be with grown-up Joe.
Nicole also reports that our mother has been incessantly crowing about how wonderful and brilliant her Joe is. As Nicole put it today “i love him, too, but he isn’t a freaking god.”
In about 2 months, I will have had two brothers (Joe being one of them) for 30 years. And 30 years later, I am still jealous. Jealous, and angry. How could a mother treat her children like that? To treat one as if he is a god, so that he then experiences a life with that perspective, and to her air feelings so clearly and frequently that her other two children are well aware of them.
It makes me question any abilities that I think I have in interacting with other people. My mother isn’t a moron. She probably doesn’t know how hugely she’s played favorite all this time. In which case, she’s deluded. Then how do I know that I’m not deluded? What if I’m totally wrong? What if I think that I’m being loving and thoughtful and really I’m being an asshole? If you’re deluded, how do you know? And either way, then what?