Category Archives: I’ll be up in the gym

I was reading a blog last week that brought up an issue that i’ve seen a cart load of times on various healthy living and weight loss blogs:  “I worry about working out because I’m afraid of other people seeing me.”

This particular blog was addressing an US Weekly article that Runner’s World Magazine posted on Facebook about a chubby KFed going for a run.  The article touched a sore point for a lot of people, who are afraid of being judged and ridiculed if they step foot outside to exercise.  If US Weekly can make fun of Kevin Federline, then probably everyone else is making fun of you, too, right?

In response to the article and the resulting flack that RW got for posting it, Ben basically says that the fear that other people are judging you is “nearly 100% in your head.”

I just had to say that I really disagree.

Maybe I am on the supreme court of judgmentalism, but I always notice people, including those people working out.  My eyeballs are open.  And I know what overweight looks like.  Or what morbidly obese looks like.  Which is not to say that I can calculate your BMI just by looking.  I’m not the Rainman of fatness here.  But given the miracle of sight, I do see people working out and I notice if they’re overweight.

I notice people’s clothing.  Their hair.  Their makeup.  If they can walk in their high heel shoes.  And to some degree, these things say something.  Like you have a corporate job.  You like wearing all black.  You spend time getting your hair done.  Maybe I will guess that you are a tourist from Belarus.

I make observations in the gym and out running, as well.
If you’re in my line of vision and you’re chubby, I will notice.
But the same goes if you’ve got an incredible body.
And if you’re exceptionally, boringly normal, I will probably see you, too.  But you might not spark enough cogitation in my brain mechanism to warrant a fully formed thought.
Instead, I will have a fleeting notice of the guy with the really big arms and I will make the assumption that he probably works out a lot.
The really thin girl who is frantically pedaling away on the elliptical?  I will notice her and I’ll wonder about her.
The chick on the treadmill next to me in the terry track suit walking at 1.5 mph (for reals) pace while she farts around on her phone at 6 am…  I am definitely wondering about her, too.
If I saw a guy like Kevin Federline running around my lake, I would think in my head that he was fat and I’d wonder why he chose to run without a shirt.  But I tend to wonder the same thing about fitter guys, too.  Are they just really warm?  Do they think they look awesome?  Are they actually trying to show off their bodies in a kinda douchey way?  Or do they just like the way it feels?

I don’t think I’m special.  I think I’m pretty normal really.  And that means that most likely, people other than me are looking at you when you exercise.  You’re not invisible.  Surprise!

And people are going to notice if you’re overweight.  Which doesn’t mean that they’re thinking that you’re gross or that you don’t belong or that you suck.  But for most of us, our overweightness is not a secret.  It’s not like I’ve squirreled away an extra 50 pounds that I’ve discreetly hidden away in one foot.  You can see it, no matter what I’m wearing or what I’m doing.  It’s not a judgement.  It’s an observation.

If you are new to working out and you’re feeling nervous about all the *other people,* I do have some actual recommendations other than the above pontificated “get over it.”

Wear clothes.  KFed chose to go out without a shirt.  He knows he’s chubby.  He’ knows that there are paparazzi.  Obviously, he’s not worried about people seeing the fatness.  If you are, put a shirt on.

Get a good sports bra.  If your gazongas are bouncing around with wild abandon, people ARE going to notice.  I love the Moving Comfort Fiona bra.  Skinnie Emmie loves Enell.  There are tons of options.  Just get one that says it’s appropriate for the type of activity for your cup size.

Similarly, wear clothes that fit.  I don’t think it really matters if you were loose things or clingy things, although I’d recommend experimenting to see what you like if you are new to this.  But it’s really important for your workout clothes to fit well.  I know from personal, unfortunate experience that a too small top is going to ride up, exposing your tummy – be it perfectly flat and rippled or blobby and bulgy.  If you’re oozing out of your clothes in ways that the clothing was not designed for, other people are probably going to notice this, and not in a nice way.  If your clothes are specifically designed to expose oozing flesh, then by all means.

I was always worried that people were going to see me stop running and slowing to a walk and that they’d *know* that I was out of shape and couldn’t keep running.  Which was true, I was out of shape and I had to stop.  Looking back, I’d say that there are two things that would have helped here:  1)  using the couch to 5k program (which I did use and complete at a later time).  Having something else that is specifically telling you “it’s time to stop” is helpful.  You’re not wussing out.  You’re following instructions.  Don’t feel bad.  2)  slow down and pace yourself.  There’s a difference between having to walk because you’re completely out of breath after going too fast and walking in between intervals of running as you build up endurance.

Do it with a friend.  Having a pal makes everyone feel less self conscious.

Take off the Five Fingers.  Seriously.  They look weird.  They’re all gonna laugh at you and maybe throw tampons in the shower.

Ask for help.  If your gym doesn’t automatically give you a proper tour when you sign up, ask for one.  It helps to know where stuff is and how to use it.  And if you want to do the workout that you saw in last month’s Shape magazine, but you don’t where the stuff is that you need, just ask.  Those beautiful people at the front desk who joke around with all the regulars?  They can be totally helpful and in my experience, I’ve never sniffed an iota of judgement from one of them ever.

And finally, even if you are out there, jogging way too fast, with your boobs flying, your tummy flopping, all by yourself… what’s more important?  That you’re out there getting one step closer to being better, fitter faster?  Or that people are looking at you?

I went a little overboard on the exercise this week and maybe now I need a life preserver thrown to me.

I ate a lot on Thanksgiving. A painfully lot.

There were a couple of social outings with friends and there was more eating.  And drinking.

And even though I did run a 10K (for the first time ever) on Thanksgiving morning, I only worked out one other time over the 4 day weekend.

So my weight was only down 0.2 pounds as my last weigh-in.  Which is fine.  I was glad not to have gone up a little bit, really.

But I got all motivated to make sure that the next week would be better, and ended up doing 8 workouts in the past 5 days.  Boot camp at 6 am every morning before work, two running workouts and 1 Body Pump class after work.

The plan also included a spinning class today and a long run, probably 5 or 6 miles, tomorrow.

I am exhausted.  My knee feels like a balloon full of jell-o.  I’ve been getting home in the evenings in a state of collapse.  Being a horrible crank pot because I’m just so tired.

And now I am fighting with myself.  I really should not work out today.  I could use a rest.  But I could just go to spin class.  It wouldn’t kill me.  I could just do it and it’d be done.

The fact that I’m having this fight in my head is proof that I have gotten crazy.  Or is it just proof that I’m making excuses to not go to spin class?

I have this grand master plan that I must fit in to my snow pants again in time to go up to Tahoe a time or two this winter.  Which means that I’ve got until New Year’s, roughly, to lose some uncertain amount of weight.  Because I’ve got no idea how much I weighed when I fit into those pants.  It was just less.

So “grand master plan” meant that I was going to try to lose about 5 pounds per month for a total of 20 by the end of 2010.  Totally reasonable, right?

The first few months of September were not being entirely amenable to the plan, so I decided to up my game and joined up with a local boot camp.

I had been pondering joining up for ages.  I walk by these women every day on the way to work.  Back when I did Couch to 5k, some of that motivation was to try and get myself boot camp ready.  And then I started doing some Jillian Michaels DVDs in the mornings.  And then I filled out the paperwork and I went.

And lo.

That first day was heinous.  It was non stop do this do that, get up, get down, push up, jump, run, skip rope, bicycles, burpies, mountain climbers, lunges, gasping for breath and wiping the sweat out of my eyes.

Almost all of the other girls are very, very fit.  I expect that I probably do about 2/3 of the workout that many of them do, because I’m so much slower.  I gnash my teeth at them and envision catching up to them.  And then I can’t even really see them any more ’cause they’ve run around the next corner already and then I think about maybe just walking a little bit for the rest of the way.

There are usually one or two other “fatties” there.  Without them, I think I may have bailed on boot  camp for all the shame.  It is so secretly good to have someone with whom you can meet eyes and you know that you’re both just thinking “shit god damn mother fucker.”

This morning was my 15th consecutive day, excluding the weekend times when I just concentrate on asking my knees to please hold it together.
Only 4 more days to go, and then a whole month will be behind me.  There’s a week off, and then it starts up again for another month, which I’m thinking I will go for.

It’s still heinous.  Each and every day.  I do feel pretty good when it’s all over, but Maggie being Maggie, I think the dread beforehand is a lower low than the post workout high is high.

It also gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, those snow pants can be squeezed into.  I will not be trying them on any time soon.  But I am hopeful.

Scowl am I today.

I got on the scale and the number it decided to tell me was the exactly same one as the number a week ago.  And I am bitter, as I was certain that it would be something ever so slightly nicer and that I would be pleased and encouraged and that it would be a secret good feeling that I’d get to carry around.

And yet.

It wasn’t a perfect week, but it seemed like it coulda been a pretty good one.  I did four of my Couch to 5K runs.  My work day eating was pretty darned close to perfect.  There were some transgressions over the weekend time, but still… I was convinced that it would balance out in my favor.

Granted, I don’t actually count calories properly, so some of what I’m doing is just guessing.  I know that I’ve been eating 200 calories worth of cereal and milk in the morning, but I also put a few walnuts and blueberries on that.  A serving of walnuts could have another 200 calories, but I’m definitely have a lot less than that.  But is it a quarter of a serving?  A tenth?  Shrug.  I dunno.  And I guess I’m just not at a point of caring that much.

So this week I’m still going to eat my walnuts and not worry about them, but how about I don’t eat 2 hamburgers in one go while tailgating?  How bout that Margaret?  Scoff.

joined a new gym.  In January.  And I have not gone there once.  Not a single time.  I just can’t find a groove for it.  And really, I can’t even find the gumption to even want to find that groove.

My work clock-in time is usually around 8 am.  As early as 7:40, 7:45 most days.  If I get in early enough, then there are still usually enough tickets that I can grab a bunch to do.  If I don’t get this little morning collection, then maybe I find one or two tickets here and there throughout the day, and I probably do a sum total of 10.  And this is how I end up being yelled at for doing shit at my job.  Because I have done shit.  But if I come in early, grab 15, maybe 20 tickets, and then cobble together another 5 to 10 the rest of the day, then I can sneak under the radar as having accomplished a bit of something.

Point being, early morning has become earlier than it used to be and I’m just not sure I can fit in a work out and still get into the office at 7:45.

And after work?  I have SUCH good intentions for after work.  Really.  But it’s 3:52 pm right now.  All I want to do is close my eyes on the couch in my apartment and get under a blanket.  I don’t want to do anything right now.  Not socialize.  Not cook dinner.  I don’t even want to walk the 3/4th of a mile to the bus terminal to get home.  I just want complete and utter collapse.  Working out at the gym, as far as I can tell, is too far away from “complete and utter collapse” and consequently, I just don’t want to do it.

Those are my excuses about why I’m not going to the gym.  Because I’m stubborn and lazy and generally tired.  Sooooo…. so far, the new gym plan has not been working out so great.  Oh, Margaret.  What am I going to do with you?