Sara Bareilles has got this song called Gravity. It’s the whole reason that Planet Suck is a planet.
An excerpt of lyrics:
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
I think what she’s saying is an awful lot like what I’m going through… that I can’t stop myself from going back into this relationship again and again. And it’s not something that he is actively doing; it’s like a completely crazy addiction that is beyond my control. As much as I have moments that I desperately want out, it also hurts like crazy just to think about not being in this love. No one could ever be as good. No one will ever think I’m as good. No one else is him, and that’s all that I want.
I figure that if I can’t get myself off of this orbital path, that I need to get hit by a stray meteor. And to stop making an astronomical metaphor, I need to meet someone else. Very logical.
But there’s not a store where I can just put a new boyfriend on my credit card. And thus, I haven’t actually gotten one yet. I’ve been viciously attacking my body at the gym in the hope that if I got prettier, I’d just *get* a boyfriend. But they’re still not chasing me down on the streets or anything. And granted, my 6 am gym habit is really getting in the way of going out and socializing at all. And it’s trickier now that I’m at this age when people aren’t having big parties, and my girlfriends are going out. The last time I went to a party, let alone met someone at a party? I dunno… 2003 or something?
It gets even better now. Since I’ve failed to execute the plan, I decided to take new measures and I posted a personal ad on Craigslist. The shame is such that I can barely rest my mind on it to think on this and holy hell, now I’m writing it down. When people have suggested internet dating to me in the past, my argument was that I didn’t want to meet someone with the preconception that there was supposed to be an assessment of interest. I want to meet someone and just be interested or not and I don’t want there to be this artificial set-up for judgment, good or bad. (By the way, I HATE that judgment has no e in it. Gets me ever time.)
But since I had failed to be meeting anyone through any sort of regular methods, I just did it. I’ve kept my expectations low and am trying to remember that I’m not necessarily going to get a boyfriend out of this, but it should serve the intended purpose of distraction. And maybe enough distraction that I can extricate myself. Which I guess means that I’m sort of using these guys. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. Except that I feel weird.
I went on two dates last week. They were fine. I wish there were more to say, but I’m just not really jazzed about it. I could go out with either of them again, but only if they ask really and who knows if that will happen.
And that’s all I have to say about that, I guess. I made an effort. I am trying.
As an aside, I would like to mention that some joker stole my ad. He changed anything gender specific, but otherwise re-posted it word for word in the men seeking women section. I can not decide if I am flattered or freaked out. It definitely starts with an F though, whatever I am.
margaret edith 