Monthly Archives: June 2008

Starting Now

I have just been listening to Ingrid Michaelson and I think I may have found my new anthem.

Starting Now
I want to crawl back inside my mother’s womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you’re waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I’ll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore
It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

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Infinite Melanfolly

Oh, my sadness is so unique and no one understands me.

Shut up Margaret.

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My conviction is scary

I go to the gym every day. In fact, sometimes twice a day. Because it will fill me with a great sense of awesome, I’m going to list what a perfect week of exercise in the really special realm of Maggie looks like..
Monday: 3 mile treadmill run in the am, kickboxing class at night
Tuesday: Spinning class
Wednesday: 3 mile treadmill run, lunch break weightlifting
Thursday: Spinning class in the am, yoga at night
Friday: 3 mile treadmile run or swimming laps
Saturday: Spinning class, abs class
Sunday: Yoga, Lake Merritt run

I like having this set schedule and that I adhere to it religiously. And when I’m finished, I have done what I am “supposed to do.”

People think it’s crazy that I get up at 5:30 every morning, and I agree, but if I don’t do it, then life gets in the way and then I haven’t accomplished what I should.

And I just need to take a moment to say that life did get in the way: I went out for a birthday gathering at Zeitgeist last night, after going to yoga. This would normally be my bed time, but instead, I drove into the city and got there around 10, 10:15ish. Even more strange, I stayed out pretty late and wasn’t actually going to sleep until 2 or so. There was then some wakage in the night. And yet, I got up at 5:30 and went to the gym. I told myself I would just run one mile and then walk for a while. But I am a bad ass. And I did the whole 3 miles. Rawr.

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101

Let it be forever written, that at this given moment, I’ve got 101 more Facebook friends than The Other Woman. Wait. I am The Other Woman. So she is just The Woman? Oh, hells no. Hmm. Adding to list: come up with cleverer nickname to refer to her. I am fond of Haggis.
OK, so anyway, I’ve got 101 more Facebook friends than Haggis does and this fills me with great satisfaction, because I have reached dizzying heights of irrational insanity.

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Jessica’s Rules for Counseling a Heartbroken Friend

Like this list, my friend Jessica goes up to 11.

1. Stuff pockets with tissues

2. Do not say bad things about former partner type person- only listen

3. Provide snacks like pizza and low-fat cheetos and ice cream

4. Do not let friend rip up pictures or destroy mementos, simply put them out of sight

5. Try to make friend laugh

6. Be there when friend needs you, even if it’s during the season finale of your favorite show

7. Pour booze for friend, even if they have already had too much

8. After booze, don’t let friend call former partner type person

9. Also after booze, hold back friend’s hair

10. Give friend really slutty and stupid book about vampires in a hope that it will eek a smile out of them

11. Write stupid lists for friend

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Flatline

I swear it feels like I’m not really alive, but I am pretty sure dead people don’t get up and go to work, right? Maybe on a good day, dead people get up and eat cheese and watch reality tv marathons on VH1, but why would they ever go to work?
As it seems that I’m at work, I guess I can’t be dead. But I can write in my blog. Even better, there was actually much accomplished this weekend.
* I went to see Sex and the City with Jessica. It was so good. Everything I needed it to be. I was on the verge of emotional breakdown through much of it, as many parts were quite moving. And everyone gets *exactly* what they want in the end. Jess and I then had a fair amount of alcohol and did a little dancing in the Easy Lounge.
* I jogged around Lake Merritt without stopping to walk once.
* I performed Sicilienne by Faure at my cello recital without a single major bungle. I was afeared. Not messing up is highly impressive. So be impressed.

So, I’m still functional. I did have some sad moments. Sometimes I swear it is getting worse, not better. And I still can’t believe that I am getting on with just existing without my person.

It’s all been highly documented here, though. Belief must be imminent.

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If I needed you

would you come to me?
Would you come to me and help me get my boot off when the zipper gets really, really stuck?

If you needed me, I would come to you.
Even if I were still wearing these boots like some sort of permanent shoddery tattoo.

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