August 6, 2008 · 11:59 pm

And then it just got better…

I feel like a person who almost died, and then someone saved me. He’s my poppet, my sweet boy, The Squeeze.

So I missed a whole month of blogging because I couldn’t find the words to say that I had been at an absolute bottom and then found hope. I was so hungry for hope, but it scares me. Scares me so badly to have any sort of belief that good things could happen.

And even if he doesn’t love me forever, he does love me right now. I met someone who looks like a kid on Christmas morning to be able to wrap his arms around me and have me with him. Honestly, he delights in me. And it’s wonderful and scary.

He does not compliment me the way I had been over the past year. He does not woo me with words. But he worries about whether I’m happy. He bought girl smelling shower gel so that I’d have it in his shower. He volunteered to pick snarls out of my hair. He tells me that he’s thankful and proud of me for navigating my way through an afternoon with his friends. He pitted cherries for me. He cut the end off of a leek when I knew he didn’t think he needed to, just because I said he should. He justs want me to be happy. And so I am.

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August 5, 2008 · 6:22 pm

A Cheesy Test

I was at a social gathering of work colleagues of The Squeeze’s this weekend.  He works for a British company and many of the employees are British.  Conversation turned to the things that they miss living in America, and cheese came up.  Specifically, cheddar cheese and how it is non-good.  What with the tooting and touting that goes on over California cheese, and more vociferously, Wisconsin cheese, I got a bit huffy.  American cheese is awesome!  You fools.  Just because we sell cheez in a can here doesn’t mean that we don’t also have high end hoity toity cheese as well!

I drank beer, the huff abated.

But then, last night I was in Trader Joe’s.  And I was looking at cheeses.  I noticed that Trader Joe’s has got an ample selection of cheese from England, so I thought I might get some to please The Squeeze.  But then I noticed that there was simply an ample collection of cheddar cheeses from all over the place.  So I went a bit nuts and got blocks of English, Irish, New York, Wisconsin and California cheddars.  I brought them over, along with some crackers, and requested that he do a blind taste test of the cheeses at his office.

The drama is unfolding right now!

And while I rather wish I myself were nibbling some cheeses, my delight at the prospect of a ridiculous cheddar cheese tasting is huge.  Ha!

Except that so far, early reports indicate that the English cheddar is in the lead.  Wankers.

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Filed under The David, these are the days of my lives

August 1, 2008 · 2:59 pm

Baby Love

Welcome to the world Brandon and Alexa! I hope you live on Planets with mostly goodness and very little suck. It makes my heart so happy to know you.

And Aaron, you will always be my favorite. You are the first baby in my life, and now you’ve gone and gotten yourself twin siblings, just like me. I hope you love them very much and that you will always recognize your own specialness.

The new babies were born on Tuesday, July 22.

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July 28, 2008 · 6:38 pm

Screws Fall Out All the Time

Saturday was Breakfast Club in Dolores Park night, my most favorite night of all. As far as I know, this is a one time ever in a life time event, but I may have other more favorite nights another time. Right. So Saturday night was a very nice one.

As a child of the eighties, of course I love the Breakfast Club and can recite lines along with Molly and Emilio like a champ. And I love movie in the park night. I love the cheering and wisecracks. When Bender is harassing Claire and asking “Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin’s in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?” some girl yelled out “You know you’re wet, Molly!” Crass, yes. But funny.

We had an excellent picnic of nice fruitly things and some very good cheeses and I revisited my old classic of pesto, fresh mozzarella, and tomato on bread.

And the we was me and the new squeeze. I like to squeeze him an awful lot. Because of the Squeeze or the passage of time, or most likely both, I don’t feel quite so deathly. In fact, I feel rather happy. Like one of those frogs who hibernates under the mud during a drought and then comes back to life when it rains again. Just like that.

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Filed under The David, Up to Stuff

June 19, 2008 · 2:01 pm

Starting Now

I have just been listening to Ingrid Michaelson and I think I may have found my new anthem.

Starting Now
I want to crawl back inside my mother’s womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you’re waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I’ll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore
It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

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June 18, 2008 · 6:11 pm

Infinite Melanfolly

Oh, my sadness is so unique and no one understands me.

Shut up Margaret.

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June 13, 2008 · 6:35 pm

My conviction is scary

I go to the gym every day. In fact, sometimes twice a day. Because it will fill me with a great sense of awesome, I’m going to list what a perfect week of exercise in the really special realm of Maggie looks like..
Monday: 3 mile treadmill run in the am, kickboxing class at night
Tuesday: Spinning class
Wednesday: 3 mile treadmill run, lunch break weightlifting
Thursday: Spinning class in the am, yoga at night
Friday: 3 mile treadmile run or swimming laps
Saturday: Spinning class, abs class
Sunday: Yoga, Lake Merritt run

I like having this set schedule and that I adhere to it religiously. And when I’m finished, I have done what I am “supposed to do.”

People think it’s crazy that I get up at 5:30 every morning, and I agree, but if I don’t do it, then life gets in the way and then I haven’t accomplished what I should.

And I just need to take a moment to say that life did get in the way: I went out for a birthday gathering at Zeitgeist last night, after going to yoga. This would normally be my bed time, but instead, I drove into the city and got there around 10, 10:15ish. Even more strange, I stayed out pretty late and wasn’t actually going to sleep until 2 or so. There was then some wakage in the night. And yet, I got up at 5:30 and went to the gym. I told myself I would just run one mile and then walk for a while. But I am a bad ass. And I did the whole 3 miles. Rawr.

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June 13, 2008 · 4:07 pm

101

Let it be forever written, that at this given moment, I’ve got 101 more Facebook friends than The Other Woman. Wait. I am The Other Woman. So she is just The Woman? Oh, hells no. Hmm. Adding to list: come up with cleverer nickname to refer to her. I am fond of Haggis.
OK, so anyway, I’ve got 101 more Facebook friends than Haggis does and this fills me with great satisfaction, because I have reached dizzying heights of irrational insanity.

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Filed under The Infinite Melanfolly

June 12, 2008 · 6:30 pm

Jessica’s Rules for Counseling a Heartbroken Friend

Like this list, my friend Jessica goes up to 11.

1. Stuff pockets with tissues

2. Do not say bad things about former partner type person- only listen

3. Provide snacks like pizza and low-fat cheetos and ice cream

4. Do not let friend rip up pictures or destroy mementos, simply put them out of sight

5. Try to make friend laugh

6. Be there when friend needs you, even if it’s during the season finale of your favorite show

7. Pour booze for friend, even if they have already had too much

8. After booze, don’t let friend call former partner type person

9. Also after booze, hold back friend’s hair

10. Give friend really slutty and stupid book about vampires in a hope that it will eek a smile out of them

11. Write stupid lists for friend

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June 9, 2008 · 6:11 pm

Flatline

I swear it feels like I’m not really alive, but I am pretty sure dead people don’t get up and go to work, right? Maybe on a good day, dead people get up and eat cheese and watch reality tv marathons on VH1, but why would they ever go to work?
As it seems that I’m at work, I guess I can’t be dead. But I can write in my blog. Even better, there was actually much accomplished this weekend.
* I went to see Sex and the City with Jessica. It was so good. Everything I needed it to be. I was on the verge of emotional breakdown through much of it, as many parts were quite moving. And everyone gets *exactly* what they want in the end. Jess and I then had a fair amount of alcohol and did a little dancing in the Easy Lounge.
* I jogged around Lake Merritt without stopping to walk once.
* I performed Sicilienne by Faure at my cello recital without a single major bungle. I was afeared. Not messing up is highly impressive. So be impressed.

So, I’m still functional. I did have some sad moments. Sometimes I swear it is getting worse, not better. And I still can’t believe that I am getting on with just existing without my person.

It’s all been highly documented here, though. Belief must be imminent.

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Filed under Planet Suck, these are the days of my lives